Going into this weekend’s final PPV of the year for WWE we are met with the realization that TLC 2015 is completely unrecognizable from something in the Invasion angle. All guffaws aside, we put our minds and feminine wiles together to bring you a very accurate, and somewhat irreverent prediction of what is going to go down this Sunday night on the WWE Network. We aren’t emotionally invested, but some of us did shell out $9.99 for it, so here we go.
Tables, Ladders, and Chairs kickoff show
There is no dark match this time around, and it’s starting to make sense. Why put something on BEFORE what we’ve all paid for.
What we are certain of? Corey and Byron will look like an aging fashionable lesbian couple.
Rusev vs Ryback
Without Brock Lesnar around to impress, there is no reason for Ryback to pop any Cialis and take a page from Joey Ryan. So, it’s seeming like the big mush with no shoes on has got our vote.
To spice things up, this match will go over and eat into the time of the Divas solely so that Rusev can make out with Lana an extra five minutes more than Dolph Ziggler has this year.
Alberto Del Rio v. Jack Swagger
Terrible old Uncle Zeb has to watch his two illegitimate sons battle it out. But wait, he’s not alone! He’s brought a homemade, lifelike doll of WWE Hall of Famer and Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump. Since he’s been snubbed by both his boys, it was time for Zeb to get himself a real man, and he’s… oh god he’s showing everyone just how much of a man the “Rump-master” is. Del Rio and Swagger are concerned for the good of society and work together to end the, quite frankly, most disturbing moment in WWE history since the last blow up doll desecration by Triple H as Kane in 2002.
Since we’re happy for him to be back, we are pushing for Del Rio to take this match.
*Steal this idea: PWS once held a hardcore match in which participants all had chairs that genuinely matched their ring gear. Let’s see if WWE got the memo.
ECW Originals v. The Wyatt Family
It seems like Dad Fight: The Match™ wasn’t enough to remind Vince of the good ol’ days so we’ll be treated to the nostalgia match literally no one asked for. We’re all a little confused as to why poor Spike Dudley got left out of the mix.
Rumour has it that this match is only happening because the ECW Arena has never been mopped since the era of 1997; the arena is just as gross as those who want ECW back. The Originals throw a curveball and out of nowhere announce the match will be under TNA’s King of the Mountain rules. The Wyatts attempt to figure out what the hell that even means and for the entire match are distracted wrapping their heads around various TNA gimmick matches. The Wyatts win the match after the ECW Originals remember that they actually once worked for TNA, and fling themselves into tables out of shame.
*Steal this idea: Let’s lower some fences around these fellas and it can be dubbed ‘Age in a Cage’.
Charlotte (w/ Ric Flair) v. Paige
Shocker. Daddy’s at ringside again for Charlotte, but this time Ric Flair, The Boy Without Boundaries, will be the ultimate pushover and turn heel on his daughter. If Vince wants him to break his daughter’s leg, he’ll do it. This will lead nicely into Royal Rumble 2016 Main Event between Ric Flair vs Charlotte entitled: “To be the man you gotta beat the man and you ain’t ever gonna be a man!” where we witness him figure four his daughter in a senile rage.
But back to present day, we are obviously wondering where the reset of our horsewoman have meandered off to. After Flair turns heel on his daughter, he’s going to have to file for bankruptcy once more when The Boss, Sasha Banks, emerges from back stage and gives him the Bank Statement. There will be at least one chant that will lead us to want to throw the entire PPV crowd into a trash bag and burn wrestling to the ground forever, followed by a vintage Janis Ian inspired speech by Paige about how she’s not sorry she ruined Charlotte’s life and ends up making Becky Lynch look like a tool in the process. So, suck on that!
What we really want to see? Sasha Banks versus Becky Lynch in a no DQ hardcore match.
*Alternate Universe Booking: Saraya Knight murder punches Ric Flair and their children are nowhere in sight.
The New Day v. The Usos v. Lucha Dragons
It has come to our attention that the efforts of the “Save The Tables” campaign were all for nought. Since we’re going to see some wood get broken, we can at least be honest about our excitement surrounding the brimming potential of Xavier Woods stunting on everyone. With all the people of colour slammed into one melting pot of a match, what can possibly go wrong?
There’s a bit of confusion with the number of contestants here. Is this a triple threat for the trios? Can’t they just stack on top of one another’s shoulders and avoid the use of ladders entirely?
We’re giving the advantage to the New Day because:
- What hasn’t Kofi done with a ladder?
- How can Big E not slap someone across a ladder to the beat of “New Day Rocks”?
- And what can Xavier Woods possibly do wrong in this world? We’re personally curious to whether or not he can top that hairdo from the last PPV.
But there might be an upset that leads the USOs to take home their, what, 17th tag title win?
At the end of it all, we’re still waiting for our pairs of New Day socks. And looking forward to more WWE sanctioned snapchats of the booty thrusting while licking the title belts.
*Burning question: Will this finally be the time we meet botch-free Sin Cara?
Kevin Owens v. Dean Ambrose
This prediction was hard to make because we all melted into our misandry laden reverse sexist selves while talking about this match. Well, some of us did, the rest still think he’s Steen.
The vote seems to be in the Kill! Steen! Kill! side of things, but if Dean Fucking Ambrose comes out in pink hair and sings the lyrics to the WWE theme song then we might be in for the shock of our lives.
This is another match where honestly why would you make the title change hands? Why would you want to make the cuddly violence dad upset by making him lose his title? Remember when his daughter dressed up like him for Halloween? Do you want to make her sad? Of course you don’t.
Owens wins by making Ambrose’s heart grow three times its size by being such an endearing fellow, and then ripping said changed and bettered heart right out a la Mortal Kombat.
*tumblrina 411: The inside scoop is that traffic on merydenrr.tumblr.com (url tw: gossipy internalized misogyny) will rise 400% during this match.
Sheamus v. Roman Reigns
The guy with the wettest hair, favourite Scooby-Doo villain, Roman Reigns almost had us in his corner when he lost to Sheamus. So I say they setup their chairs around a table, place a ladder over it and affectionately eat it together. They then can agree to call each other another time and try a different type of date for the next go ’round, maybe to a museum. At least it’ll make an interesting episode of Table for 3.
It is important to note that there’s been whispers of half the potato population of Idaho disrupting this match in order to protest. They’re offended by the references to potatoes from Monday, because the writing was so terrible the potatoes want nothing to do with the segment. When officials try to remove the potatoes from the ring area the potatoes fly in their direction causing real injuries, giving a whole new meaning to the term “potatoes.” Just remember, nobody potatoes Stan Hansen.
After five minutes of conflict, ROH and NJPW star Michael Elgin of the famed Twitter account “Michael Elgin as a Potato” arrives and acts as a mediator for the two parties. He breaks out into a song that humans and potatoes alike can identify with:
Peace finally arrives and by the time everyone has remembered there’s a match to be won the WWE World Heavyweight title is no longer suspended above the ring. Sasha Banks is standing on the ramp, revealing the item she’s hiding behind her back. It’s the title. Sasha Banks is the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion. Justice is served. Long Live the Boss.
Unfortunately, we’ve woken up from our childish fantasies and it seems that Sheamus has won the title. Beeeeeeeeeelieve that.
*Tips for Roman: You’re not the bassist from Metallica, so please stop walking through the crowd.
So, if you’ve survived the pay per view, and nobody got put through your living room table, then we applaud you and hope to see you around in the future.
Our predictions for how our founder, A.V. Christensen, will be post show are as follows: